Nearly eight weeks now and I have a follow up appointment with my hand surgeon tomorrow morning. I am eager and anxious to hear what he has to say. Will those two little, broken distal phalanges have started to mend? Will I be able to remove the splints? Will there be non-union and might I hear a suggestion for more aggressive techniques?

I have spent a few minutes with a small ukulele and even a nylon string classical guitar in my lap. I can fret a few notes with my two good fingers and pick some melodies. The old Giannini guitar that belonged to my wife since before we met. I can hardly express how beautiful that inexpensive instrument sounded! I long to hold a guitar in my lap, watch the choreography of my left hand, and hear the harmonies and melodies.

It has been six weeks since the injury. I am off of any pain medication, have been for a few weeks. I saw a hand surgeon who repaired the nail bed under my index finger - don't remember if I mentioned that.

At my four week follow up, the doctor took and x-ray. Sort of a real-time x-ray. I could see my bones and I could see, when the doctor wiggled my fingertips, that the bones had not yet healed. I was disappointed in this news, of course. I was put back into splints and told to return in a month.

I now have some plastic splints which permit me to bend my fingers at the second joint. The feel stiff and I work on bending them with my other hand. The new splints permit me to wash my hand and they enable me to see my fingertips. I can remove the splints and see my fingers. This is disturbing because the sight of the injured fingers brings back the trauma of the experience. And I can not move that joint - the fingers are wooden-like at the ends. Disturbing to me.

Anxiety over regaining my ability to play the guitar comes and goes. I can most often take the word of my doctors who have said they thought that recovery would occur in time. I want to believe that, and if someone could look me in the eye and say with 100% certainty that I will play as I once could I would be much relieved.

For now... I practice patience and gratitude. Gratitude that I did not lose any fingers in the accident... gratitude that I have access to excelled medical care... and gratitude that, for the moment, I believe I will have the opportunity to begin to regain my ability to play.

two fingers on my left hand are bandaged and splinted. i type this with one hand, my right hand bouncing all over the keyboard. caps are too challenging and not worth the effort right now.

what happened?

i tried to stop a collapsing garage door last tuesday night and my hands were carelessly put in the way of danger. the tips of my left index and middle fingers were caught between two panels as the door came down. at the split moment of realization and out of sheer pain, i suppose, i screamed with a voice i never knew was within me. when i pulled back my hand and saw my crushed fingertips i was overwhelmed with panic. my family was at home to help me, thank god, and i made it up to the kitchen and collapsed onto the floor. i could hear myself crying and pleading 'no, god, not this' and feeling that my life was over. that may seem overboard, but making music, playing the guitar, is so fundamental to my being that i have doubts about my ability to survive without it. the thought of losing that ability because an accident claimed my fingers - the thought is unbearable to me. i believe the panic i felt about my fingers overwhelmed and superseded the severe pain i was feeling.

during the emt ambulance trip to the trauma unit of a local hospital, i told everyone that i would do anything, endure anything to assure that i would regain the ability to play the guitar. at the trauma unit i said it was ok to skip any pain medication - all the better to communicate with the doctor and support staff. x-rays were taken and some preliminary triage done before i got a shot of morphine and some local anesthetic to enable the suturing of my fingers. After the stitches were put in, the attending physician said she thought i would be able to regain use of my fingers again to play the guitar. i was so grateful to hear those words - i wish i had some unique way to express my gratitude - some special words, never spoken until now, which could express my relief.

This is a picture of Tika, taken by her breeder, when she was 6 weeks old. Tiki was born on November 8, 2006. She is an F1 minature goldendoodle. Born in West Virginia, she arrives at her new home on January 3, 2007. I would like to keep a blog dedicated to our experience raising Tika here.

(untitled poem)

Before this,
I am certain my life was better,
but I can't recall just how.
or even when.

At some later time I'll
look back at the day I
wrote these words.

Things were better now.