two fingers on my left hand are bandaged and splinted. i type this with one hand, my right hand bouncing all over the keyboard. caps are too challenging and not worth the effort right now.

what happened?

i tried to stop a collapsing garage door last tuesday night and my hands were carelessly put in the way of danger. the tips of my left index and middle fingers were caught between two panels as the door came down. at the split moment of realization and out of sheer pain, i suppose, i screamed with a voice i never knew was within me. when i pulled back my hand and saw my crushed fingertips i was overwhelmed with panic. my family was at home to help me, thank god, and i made it up to the kitchen and collapsed onto the floor. i could hear myself crying and pleading 'no, god, not this' and feeling that my life was over. that may seem overboard, but making music, playing the guitar, is so fundamental to my being that i have doubts about my ability to survive without it. the thought of losing that ability because an accident claimed my fingers - the thought is unbearable to me. i believe the panic i felt about my fingers overwhelmed and superseded the severe pain i was feeling.

during the emt ambulance trip to the trauma unit of a local hospital, i told everyone that i would do anything, endure anything to assure that i would regain the ability to play the guitar. at the trauma unit i said it was ok to skip any pain medication - all the better to communicate with the doctor and support staff. x-rays were taken and some preliminary triage done before i got a shot of morphine and some local anesthetic to enable the suturing of my fingers. After the stitches were put in, the attending physician said she thought i would be able to regain use of my fingers again to play the guitar. i was so grateful to hear those words - i wish i had some unique way to express my gratitude - some special words, never spoken until now, which could express my relief.